Monday, September 10, 2007

Britney's VMA Final Analysis / 50-Cent Befuddled

Now how should I even begin to breakdown this Ashlee Simpson-esque performance. Lets start with the word performance. Get rid of it.

I recall back in highschool watching the junior/senior talent show and seeing possibly a better performance. And just when I thought Chris Rock was the worst host the VMA's ever had ("Producers tellin me to stretch, keeps telling me to stretch.."), Ms. Spears managed to up-the-ante by attempting a performance too.

Lets go ahead and get our game of operation out, and begin racking up some points on this fresh steaming pile up of a performer.

She must've first spent an hour or less thinking about going to the gym to get her abs back in shape, ate a pizza, and left us with what we see now. She now resembles that ex-girlfriend who tried to "dress up" sexy for us on valentines day and send pictures to us at work. Nothing against our girlfriends making our day better, but when you are about to re-launch a career in front of millions, you should be on the same level as the international space station and not sputnik.

Dance puppet dance! Clearly she happily put aside some time, while on leave from rehab, to come up with some dance steps. Carefully, reviewing these steps, of which were drawn on a bar napkin, she showed up to the VMA's, ready to get her agent and record company's books back into the green. I've seen my dog dance better out on the lawn when he has the runs.

Little was expected from Britney at this performance, but she went above and beyond. She chose to deliver so much "little" that the audiences befuddled looks brought viewers from home to hysterical laughter.

50-Cent for example, saw so much go wrong during Britney's set that he could do nothing more than share his perplexed look with viewers at home.

MTV is a dying television station who needed to thrust an arm out of the grave for one last frightful moment of attention, and it was with this now blackhole of a performer that they so chose to achieve it.

Well done MTV, you were the first to bring loud music into our homes in 1984, and now you happily enlighten the world to the functions of Rehab Dropouts. I suppose its still "breakthrough" and "revolutionary" to give us our "baby one more time" Britney back after you found it underneath the couch. Thanks, but no thanks.